Archive of columns.

9/21/98: This week's question:

Screenwriters are scrambling to write the Clinton-Lewinski movie. Can you help them out by telling us how it will end?

CARD 1: 8 of Pentacles-Apprentice
CARD 2: 7 of Cups-Dream
CARD 3: Major Arcana 20-Judgment
CARD 4: 7 of Pentacles-Failure
CARD 5: 8 of Swords-Disillusion
CARD 6: Major Arcana 10--Wheel of Fortune
CARD 7: King of Cups
CARD 8: King of Wands
CARD 9: 7 of Wands-Challenge
CARD 10: Princess of Cups
Lady Esmene reads the cards:

What a lovely layout--so positive! So hopeful! It makes me proud to be an American!

The first thing we notice in this layout is the preponderance of 7s, 8s and Kings. Kings are pretty obvious--we are, after all, talking about the President of the United States. Sevens are about walking the Path and achieving Goals, and 8s are about Strength and Sacrifice. We should keep all of this in mind when reading this layout.

Card 1 is the Apprentice. Clearly this is poor little Monica, the intern. Card 2, which crosses it, is Dream, which certainly both of them had--she dreamed she could have a serious relationship with the most important person on the planet, and he dreamed he could keep it a secret.

Card 3 shows the Challenge of this situation: in this case, Judgment. This is what both of them are facing right now, and it's hard. It's also what both of them could have used a little more of in the past; clearly a challenge they weren't able to meet.

Card 4, the card of God's purpose in this situation, is Failure. Now, no doubt my esteemed colleague Esmeralda will choose to read this in a negative light, but I see it as a minor card in this reading--obviously their love was doomed to failure, he being a 50-year-old married President and she being a 20-year-old innocent baby (see card 2, above). This sort of relationship can only work out in the movies, and this one hasn't been made yet.

Card 5, where they're coming from, is Disillusion. No surprise there; she's disillusioned with him, he's disillusioned with her, Hillary's disillusioned with both of them, the whole country's disillusioned with the whole kit and kaboodle, etcetera.

But Card 6 is where it starts getting interesting. Card 6 is our second Major Arcana card of this reading: Wheel of Fortune. It's the card of Connections. More about that in a minute.

Card 7, the question that should have been asked, is the King of Cups: we see that the real question here is, "Is Bill going to be able to take control of his emotions", i.e. keep his pants zipped up. I find this card very significant; more about this in a minute.

Card 8 is the archetype acting in this situation, the role people are being expected to play--no surprise that it's the King of Wands: the Rogue Lover. This is who everyone expects Bill to be, and up to now he hasn't disappointed them.

Card 9 is the archetype that should be called on in this situation, the role that should be played--and it's the card of accepting the Challenge.

So here's what's happening: up until now, Bill has been this southern rogue lover; a real Rhett Butler; charming, smart, and with a hand in every skirt around. His Challenge is to take control of his lascivious tendencies and become the King of Cups instead of the King of Wands. He's going to need to use his Connections to do this. He's going to need help from his friends.

This is what I think will happen: Bill will admit that he's a sex addict, and he will seek treatment. Being who he is, he has connections to the finest treatment resources available. He'll enter an 8-week treatment program (which he may actually finish in 7 weeks), and emerge from it completely cured. And in the end he'll end up with his own true love southern belle, his own beloved Scarlett--his wife Hillary, who will forgive him (see card 10, above). They'll live happily ever after, and so will the rest of the country!

And what about Miss Monica? A sadder but wiser girl, she's realized now that you can't start at the very top. She'll marry a junior Congressman who will someday rise to Senator, and they'll live happily every after too!

Madame Esmeralda responds:

Good God, is there a barf bag around here someplace?

What always amazes me, Esmene, is that you can look at the same cards I do and yet completely ignore the obvious.

Obvious reading number one: Bill Clinton is a failure. Monica Lewinski is a failure. Kenneth Starr is a failure. Are you beginning to see a trend?

Don't you remember how Gone With The Wind REALLY ends? Not the new kinder, gentler Hollywood version, but the actual story? The south is slaughtered! Scarlett and Rhett split up! Scarlett ends up a single mother!

This is what I think will happen: Hillary will divorce Bill and the country will divorce Bill. That man couldn't keep track of his dick if it was glued to his face.

And as for Miss Monica: she's going to run for office herself, lose a few times, and finally wind up as Chairperson of a Zoning Board somewhere in the midwest. Whether or not she lives happily ever after I can't say. I do know, however, that she becomes a Republican.

And that's how Madame Esmeralda sees it.

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