Archive of columns.

11/07/98: This week's question:

How will Jesse "The Body" Ventura's new gig as governor of Minnesota affect his movie career?

Jesse Ventura's filmography at the IMDb

CARD 1: 10 of Cups - Salvation (Jeffrey Hunter)
CARD 2: 3 of Wands - Fate (Lana Turner)
CARD 3:7 of Wands - Challenge (Daniel Day-Lewis)
CARD 4: Major Arcana 10 - Wheel of Fortune (Kevin Bacon)
CARD 5: 8 of Wands - Fall (Paul Reubens)
CARD 6: 5 of Cups - Regret (Hugh Grant)
CARD 7: Major Arcana 0 - The Fool (Robin Williams as Mork)
CARD 8: Ace of Cups - Love (Elizabeth Taylor)
CARD 9: Major Arcana 17--The Star (Marilyn Monroe)
CARD 10: Major Arcana 12--The Hanged Man (Clint Eastwood)
Madame Esmeralda reads the cards:

Last year Jesse Ventura was keeping the streets of Gotham City clean, working as a guard at Arkham Asylum in "Batman & Robin". Now he's going to help us, the citizens of Minnesota, as Top Guard of our little loony bin. Let's hope he does a better job here than he did in Gotham City; you may recall he let Mr. Freeze escape. The cards in this layout are all either Major Arcana, Cups, or Wands: this is a major time for this fiery and emotional person. Interesting choice for a state full of frozen Scandinavians.

The question is laid out in Cards 1 and 2 - Salvation and Fate. Clearly Jesse thinks he's destined to save the people of Minnesota. Does anyone remember him as "Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe"? No? I suspect his new savior role will succeed about as well.

Card 3, the Challenge, is the actual Challenge card. We have a double Challenge here: Jesse will be challenged as governor, and he will be challenged as he tries to renew his career in the movies. Let's see what the cards say about his chances for success as he faces these two challenges.

Card 4, God's purpose in this situation, is the Wheel of Fortune. This is an indication of the fact that as far as Preordination is concerned, the Minnesota governor's race was really a toss-up; the winner is basically irrelevant in the larger scheme of things. Jesse didn't win on his own account - he won because the two major party candidates are both archetypal professional politicians and people have grown tired of such folks; you may not agree with Jesse (I, for example, think legalized prostitution and relaxed gun laws are a bad thing; let's be totally honest here - I think Jesse Ventura is a nut-bar), but at least you can trust him to tell you the truth about what he really thinks. (By the way: Esmene voted for Jesse. She'll tell you it's because she likes him, but in actual fact it's because the two major party candidates are dead ringers for two of her slimier ex-husbands).

The 5th Card, the card of the Present and where we've come from, is the Fall, exemplified by Paul Reubens as PeeWee Herman. No surprise here; before being elected Governor, Jesse was best known in Minnesota as the spokesman for Pig's Eye Beer. May Paul Reubens have the luck of Jesse Ventura in coming out of his PeeWee slump.

Card 6, the Future, is Regret. Now, I always find it significant when the two mug shot cards both appear in a reading, and particularly when one comes after the other. In the Future position, this could mean one of four things: either something will turn up about Jesse's past that he will regret, or he will do something during his tenure as governor that he will regret, or he will be unable to return to his movie career which he will regret, or - and this seems the most likely to me - he or a member of his cabinet is going to do something that will result in someone being arrested, maybe even impeached, which he will regret. On the plus side for him, an impeachment scandal could be just the shot in the arm his movie career needs.

Card 7, the question we should have asked, is The Fool: the card of the person who is totally ignorant about what they're doing, and blindly steps right over a cliff. Enough said.

The card of the archetype acting in this situation, Card 8, is the Love card, the Ace of Cups. The Elizabeth Taylor card is about Love that doesn't give up - time and again the woman gets married, it fails, she tries again, it fails, blah, blah, blah. This is telling us that Jesse is definitely planning to resuscitate his flaccid movie career. Again. He loves it, and he's not going to give up on it.

The card of the archetype he should be modeling in this situation, Card 9, is The Star. Jesse would be making a mistake if he went back to supporting roles when his governor term is over (which could be sooner than he expects; see card 6). From now on, he needs to be The Star. Let Arnold Schwarzeneggar back him up for a change.

And Card 10, the Destiny card, shows us that it's going to be a tough time for Jesse, but ultimately he will resume his movie career: it's the Hanged Man, the card of sacrifice that leads to a wiser life. Having to face his ignorance in his new job as governor, the arrest scandal, the punishment of having every one of his crazy pronouncements scrutinized in the national media every day of his tenure - this is going to result in a sadder but wiser Jesse, a Jesse who knows what his real strengths are: flexing his muscles in celluloid sci-fi. That's the universe that best fits him: a place that validates both his physical attributes and his mental meanderings.

He's badly miscast in his latest role.

Lady Esmene responds:

Esmeralda's just mad because the lesbian socialist green party candidate lost again; big surprise. All that stuff Esmeralda spouted about arrests and scandals and so on - in a pig's eye! Jesse Ventura will be a wonderful governor!

The only thing Jesse's going to regret is the fact that he's not going to be able to return to movies, because as Esmeralda rightly pointed out, he does love that life. But he will love his new life much more - the Minnesota governorship is just the first rung on those golden stairs leading to the Presidency! America has been held in the headlock of party politics for too long - we're ready now for a Populist president, and Jesse Ventura is just the man to wrestle his way to that victory!

And when he does win that national championship, I hope Kevin Sorbo can find it in his heart to return home to Minnesota. Even Esmeralda would have a hard time voting against Hercules!

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