Archive of columns.

01/13/99: This week's question:

(Editor's Note: Minnesota natives Lady Esmene and Madame Esmeralda were tricked out of hibernation this week to write this overdue column, and may seem a teensy bit edgier than usual.)

Madame Esmeralda reads the cards:

Gillian Anderson - like, who cares? The only interesting character on that show is Cancer Man. Oh, and the big guy with his face sewn shut, but they don't even show him anymore.

And these cards - ick, ick. People sometimes ask us if we make up the cards for our readings - I just wish that was true. Then I wouldn't have to deal with a layout as obnoxious as this one.

70% of the cards in this reading are either Major Arcana or Cups, i.e. this is a reading about True Love. Just call me the Sweet Sunshine Fairy and get it over with. Did I really have to get dressed and come to work for this?

The question is laid out in Cards 1 and 2, Fate and Love. Is Gillian Anderson destined to find True Love this year? (I can't believe I just typed those words. I can get a bloody mary at 9 am if I call it "brunch", can't I?)

To stick the spoon even further down my throat, Card 3, GA's Challenge in this situation, is one of the cards in this deck I most detest: The Empress, aka Donna Reed (MY vote for The Empress card was Alex Forrest, the character Glenn Close played in Fatal Attraction. You can see how much attention they pay to my opinions around here). Anyway, GA's challenge in regard to True Love this year will be: Can she do it all - lover, mother, sex symbol, star? (I had to hold my nose for that one).

Card 4, God's purpose in this situation, is the only decent card in this layout: Regret. Gillian Anderson will be filled with Regret this year - regret over her job, regret over her love life, regret over everything she's ever done in her life. Regret, damn it, regret!

I thought that would make me feel better, but it doesn't. Listen, I'm tired, my feet are cold and I'm making myself sick; I can't write this schlock anymore. Take it away, Esmene - this is definitely your kind of reading; I'll give you the rest of my word count, since I never got around to getting you a Christmas present this year anyway.

Lady Esmene continues the reading:

This year, hah! Esmeralda has never gotten me a Christmas present, despite the fact that I make her a lovely set of crocheted clothes hangers every year (this year's color: lucious lilac!). But I'm not complaining - how could I complain when I've got such a scrumpdillyicious layout in front of me?!

The 5th Card, the card of the Present and where jolly Gillian has come from, is the Prince of Wands. I interpret this to mean that the men she has been involved with in the past have been strong and charming, but immature - men who were too involved with their own needs to understand the special needs of a special woman like her!

But never fear, Gillian: your Master awaits! (Card 6, the Future.) What a prize! Finally, Gillian, finally - a man who is strong and complete, a master and teacher of himself and others! You're gonna find this man, this year! (And if you don't want him, send me an e-mail - it would be a shame to let someone like that go to waste!)

Card 7, the Hermit, is the question we should have asked: Is Gillian Anderson going to continue to keep herself isolated, separated, apart - is she going to continue being a Woman Alone?

This question is reiterated in the card of the archetype currently acting in this situation, Card 8, Seclusion. Independent Gillian has been steadfastly, purposefully alone for a long time now, not trusting anyone to have access to her heart.

But now she can take those skills of independence and strength that she's honed at such a dear cost to herself, and use them to reach a higher plane in Love: the archetype Gillian should be modeling in this situation, Card 9, is the Queen of Cups ! Like Grace Kelly, this is Gillian's time of romance, of love - her time to be the Queen of all emotions, majestic and in control, the woman every man wants, but only Mr. Right can have!

And what is Card 10, our Destiny card : why, it's Major Arcana 12, The Hanged Man! This card of Resurrection, of the chrysalis becoming the butterfly, is even more significant in this layout when you consider that it's the card in the Hollywood Tarot deck immediately following Gillian Anderson's own card! She is truly taking the next step into a new stage in her life!

This beautiful layout reminds me of a reading I did a few months ago: Will Leonardo Di Caprio Find True Love This Year?; that layout also included the Hierophant, the Empress, Regret, and - The Queen of Cups! Dare I suggest it? - are Gillian Anderson and Leonardo DiCaprio destined to find True Love with each other this year?

Remember: you read it here first!

Madame Esmeralda responds:

Better still - forget everything about today's column. I certainly intend to.