I know I said Esmene could start this time, but I just have to tell you first: don't believe a word she says! This reading is full of some great cards - Regret, and Failure, and Loss, and Ruin - and I just know Little Esmene Sunshine is going to find some way to turn this into some kind of hearts-and-flowers-true-loveathon. The Bruce-Demi relationship is doomed, doomed, doomed! Whatever she says, don't --

Lady Esmene interjects: Hey! It's my turn! And thank you very much, Esmeralda, for giving me this opportunity to show just what a misguided, deluded fraud you are! The fact is, you are wrong about my reading, Miss Smarty Psychic!

(You know I only say those unkind things for your own good, dear.)

But as much as I would like to see a positive future for dear Demi and Bruce and their darling family unit, I'm afraid even I cannot see a good outcome in these abysmal cards!

The question is laid out in Cards 1 and 2, the Scarlett O'Hara and Hugh Grant cards. I think these cards are symbolic of Demi and Bruce - not Demi and Bruce as they actually are, but Demi and Bruce as they seem to view each other! Sadly, according to the Cards, Bruce views Demi as an insincere tease, while Demi views Bruce as an insensitive and irrational philanderer.

True Love requires a more forgiving attitude. Right away, we know this couple is in need of some serious counseling.

Card 3, the Challenge, is Success, specifically success defined as being happy in life and in marriage. This is one of my favorite cards, and I would find it very positive in this reading if it had appeared in, say, the 4th position, or the 6th, or the 10th. Unfortunately, it's here in the 3rd: poor Bruce and Demi are being challenged to make a success of their marriage. Will they be able to meet this Challenge?

It breaks my heart to have to say this, but the answer is No. Card 4, God's purpose in this situation, is Failure.

I can't go on with this; this type of reading gives me a sick headache. I think I'll go to bed for a few hours; maybe find fortitude and sustenance in a good book and a bite to eat. Esmeralda can finish the reading; she might stretch the Truth a bit just to make a negative point even more black, but essentially her gloomy reading will be correct. The Bruce and Demi relationship is doomed. At least for 1999; maybe they can turn it around in the year 2000...

Madame Esmeralda jumps in before Lady Esmene can change her mind:

Esmene must really be sick; she didn't even think to reverse the Failure card and read it as Success; but since the Success card had already been used, that would have been a perfectly acceptable way to read the Failure card; then we could reverse the Loss card and view it as Win; the Ruin card as Achievement; the Opposition card--

Wait a minute - what am I doing?

Esmene was right (for once): the Bruce and Demi relationship is doomed to Failure. Have a good nap, Esmene, and enjoy your Harlequins and bon-bons. I'll take it from here.

The 5th Card, the card of the Present and where we've come from, is the Hermit, the card of the person who does best living alone. When you live with another person, that person acts as your mirror. Some egos do best in a mirrorless house.

Card 6, the Future, is the Tower card: Bruce Willis as the Crisis Guy. This card can be read several ways here: (1) Bruce is the only member of this duo with any real future in Hollywood, or (2) Bruce will continue to be the Crisis Guy in movies, or (3) Bruce will continue to be the Crisis Guy in relationships. My bet is on all three.

Card 7 is the question we should have asked: Is Demi going to get together with Robert Downey, Jr? Just kidding - the question we should have asked is: How long are these people going to continue to ruin their lives and the lives of their children by their incessant bickering? My guess is: as long as they continue to get press by doing so.

The card of the archetype acting in this situation, Card 8, is Loss, which this marriage should be crossed off as a total one.

The card of the archetype we should be modeling in this situation, Card 9, is Opposition. Pretending to be friends, or trying to get back together, or trying to maintain any sort of amicable relationship at all is just going to stretch out the pain. These people should just accept that they're enemies and get on with their lives.

And Card 10, the Destiny card, is The World. Bruce and Demi should quit trying to have relationships with other individuals. No one person can give them the amount of love they crave. They should focus their attention on trying to satisfy their real True Love: the Audience. A strong affair with the Audience is the best of all possible relationships for people like Bruce and Demi: they get paid for being loved, and the Audience never expects them to be faithful or come home at a reasonable hour or call the morning after.

Don't hold your breath waiting for these people to rebuild their marriage. Forget them and get on with your life.